all the wonders one can find in the echos of my mind

6:28pm: just freking craptacular
so I have no where else to turn
mostly because i am turning away from everyone else

I lost my job last week
so now I am filling out job applications
or rather avoiding the doing so
it isn't difficult or anything

it is just
write down all your failures on a peace of paper and try to get someone to think they are good

male name
mom's address
the school I flunked out of
the worthless half degree I will never be able to finish
then list all the jobs I have lost and why

I mean at least I have managed to not get arrested
and I might be able to pass a drug test but with how shitty I feel right now I am not sure if I want to be able to

send out several hundred of these and maybe I might hear back from one person
where if I am very lucky my difficulties dealing with new people will not be so entirely crippling that I can get the sort of mindless hopeless min-wage crap that I have been choking on

3:15pm: progress report
I am doing ok
I have a lot I feel the need to complain a lot
I lost a bunch of hours so I can't afford to get hair removed or therapy
and so on

but I am getting to hang out with a bunch of awesome people
rather then my general moping about
so that is better then moping about with therapy and less facial hair

but that is a victory and a defeat on entirely different vectors
still it shouldn't take more then an exercise in thrift shop-fu
to get me more clothing (so I don't have to keep wearing my only 3 femme shirts one of whom is lost over and over) to feel at least minor victories on all fronts
or me actually seeing about getting into colleges to get major victories

so I am actually writing a LJ entry in a good mood
and I know exactly what to do if not exactly how to do it
how odd ^_^ I am filled with hope

2:20pm: life

all the pieces I can't move don't leave room for the pieces I am

I have no escape

I don't even have a time/place I can be me

- I am aching desperate need, I will find an outlet

2:12pm: concern
why am I more scared of going to a therapist then ordering very permanent medication from the internet?

I think it is because they could say no you don't need this
or they could fix me in ways I don't feel I am broken
like everyone is always trying to

the whole I must be like this so I can be a productive cashier drone
while I don't mind the job, I do not want my whole existence defined by it

or the whole what my parents want me to be
or what so and so expects me to be

from there perspectives I am broken

all the more easy to accept as from my perspective I am also broken

and I wouldn't want the person who I hire to help fix me to get me to work to things I don't want to be
possibly also a bit that I was sent to child psychologists because I did bad things
on the trying to kill random elementary school kids who hadn't done anything scale
(I was an elementary school kid at the time so hurt and confused constantly made fun of because the other kids always found it funny when I was angry till one day everything when red and I attacked the closest person) but I expected myself to act like some theoretical perfect person even then so

I don't feel it is wrong

pills help
but I know
honestly

I will regret it
because I will at most take a half step

god am I so pathetic an animal
or is it just this place that brings it to me

I have grown quite a bit stronger then I ever thought I would be
simply because I have gone out of the house as myself
I have gotten the pills
I have people who respect my perspective

I am stronger then I think
and I can grow stronger when I need

so I need 3 things
1. a therapist
2. a college
3. a few deep calming breaths

I apologies I always come here when I feel ... broken

everyone is worried about the effects of the pills
I don't know how to defend it
I am not sure/confident enought to say it is what I want/need
or explain why I feel that way

6:18am: I think my job may be trying to destroy me 40hrs a week is a great change from the last few years but I don't think I can do 10+hr days let alone 3 in a row

2:20pm: poor abandond LJ have a cookie
so I cam back here looking for the trans groups I had friended and got something I had never expected.

so I guess it is time for me to do what I came here for
to vent

I don't know how to evaluate a psychologist
I tend to accept the role people want me to play I guess I probly wouldn't have survived this long if I didn't but I need to finish growing a spine and be me more
I became a slut really quickly, simply because people wanted to have sex with me, I don't know how I feel about any of them (but then when not on estragen I rarly know what I feel at all so ... disconected) or our 1-3 night stands that just sort of evaporated

and I find myself wondering was I not good enought when I don't even know if I wanted it in the first place ~sigh~

this realy is the place where I show all my broken pieces

I have a much better job ... well no I have job that pays more and gives more hours
but it is lonely and I have to be there striped of any identity I would choose (I can't even wear earrings and while my boss doesn't care his superiors hate my long hair, costomers love it thought) dealing with large numbers of people
it is very stressfull

and I find myself shaking when people yell at me now
it was always such a givin that it was like water to a fish I can't imagine that it would effect me so much now, but it happens so ??frequently/rarely?? once or twice a week rarly I guess but so much more stress

I can feel but I can't feel
there is a wall of thick obscuring glass between me and the rest of me
I can't take it

I need but I don't know what
and no amount of progress is ever enough for long I need to ... well I only know part of it

I fucked up my chance to go to college again this year soon I will be simply using the excuse I am too old and all my hope and ambition will just kinda fade away
lol
did you catch the joke it I don't have hope or ambition
it is funny cause I am worthless
yeah no I don't have much but I am making some progress it is difficult and slow but it is there
baby steps they say
but baby steps when you should be able to run by now
tears of frustration

and I feel better now
thanks LJ

for helping me vent

11:52pm: oh, LJ how I have abandon you
ok so it has been a while

I have come out to everyone except my parents as trans
well ok so I haven't said anything at my job but I doubt they care and it isn't a job that I care about it is a stepping stone

I am not sure if I worked there when I last posted, lol
it has been months but I am actuly getting hours not 40 but not the 12 fastfood gave me

I have done so much this past year, I don't think I will dread the 9th at all

my car died and is getting replaced

I am filling out the fasfa and hopefuly will get into a college again

I am moving slower then I would like but it feels like I am moving forward

I have been very very frustrated but it is an active feeling not the passive depression
I can do stuff while frustrated not like when I curl up into a little depressed ball

starting to feel hopeful but right now I am gonna fall asleep

2:39pm: it has been a while
I just worked every day for a month by working two crappy "part-time" jobs

it sucks
and all the money went directly to bill collectors and auto-mechanics

not sure if I should be laughing or crying

I think I might be in a better position then I was last month
but I am just to tired to check

4:45am: I have been feeling uncharacteristically self confident tonight
I hope to make it a pertinent trait

it is really about my jobs
the pizza place I have had for so long
and it is so easy I just turn my brain off and let time pass

that sort of tendency is killing me at my new job
and quite frankly as disturbing as it is worthless
also the new job can give me more hours

so it is time to ditch the pizza place

I shouldn't have to relearn how to focus and direct my intelligence and attention
I am sick of all the passivity and self-depreciation that has crept into me

and this is not just me whining, I am doing something about it
don't gain self confidence, HAVE IT
I have spent most of my life in introspection I KNOW WHO THE expletive I AM
AND I DON"T HAVE ANY MORE TIME FOR CODDLING PEOPLE WHO ARE MADE "UNCOMFORTABLE" BY IT OR THINK I SHOULD BE ANY-expletive THING BUT WHO AND WHAT I WANNABE at the moment subject to change without any-expletive-ing expletive notice

and yes I fucking said EXPLETIVE cause as far as I know it means 'a swear word' (and not any sort of oath making kind) and I dislike all expletives I know
as they all seem to drag some thing (normally a sex related thing) thought the mud
I only have so much tolerance for that sort of expletive-headed expletive
so I see no reason to spread any

also I think it is funny

1:10am: if what we do defines us I need to start doing other things
I am scared
I feel the edges of things and a sort of folding
I can't really explain it

some of it is the new job and I still don't know exactly how my schedule is suppose to go or if it is subject to change without notice, I have been told no day off is tough but life right now is to much of a blur for me to get a fix on anything

working two jobs is a big change and there will be another when I finally get payed and can reevaluate my financial power, it has been stuck at none since cleveland and was not much better before then

part of it is that I have started self medicating again I only have enough for a week or two right now but I am starting to feel the effects, so of course I am once again unsure of my feelings and with no Erica time at all... I always constantly question my nonstandardized needs and desiers I need to fix that ... honestly there is almost no difference between ed and erica but being forced to be ed is somehow annoying

I always seem to only get jobs my body can do on it's own, one of my few dreams in this life is to be payed for my mind instead, not that It isn't deeply ingrained in me that my brain is sub par equipment, I know there are some things I am good at but I can't remember them supposedly I am a genius but that has been used agenst me and it has been so long since I have felt accomplished ... but that is beside the point my mind wanders so much during work I wonder if it is trying to leave entirely (I hope it takes me with it)

I have been confronting my broken pieces, my inner daemons, my lost bits and the parts of me I just don't like maybe I am only these things, I think I remember there were places, things and concepts where I excelled but I don't remember where.

3:54pm: so I am trying to make a plan
so far I have

step 1 make a plan
step 2 ???
step 3 profit

but seriously
it's mostly coming up with things that make life worth it and finding a place for it
a cog in someone else's wealth machine in no kinda life but I am already caught in the debt machine and need to do a lot of climbing to get back to square one
so dreams deferred like prison chains drag behind me
I need an outlet
a structure
but I get so little unstructured time already

11:04pm: silence there is a void pulling me inward to be entirely consumed within myself
thinking how to react and what to do
rather then thinking and doing
far more dangerous and not nearly as fun

4:34pm: I don't know what to say

I got a second job, I owe my mom for the car repairs now but in theory I should be able to pay her back.

My father is being an ass but I am not sure if he knows how to be anything else

8:41am: I am at least smart enought to know I am dumb
ok so it is 9am ish

I have all day to ... to do ... umm ... do ... nothing? (start feeling depressed/hopeless here)

that is far too much of my life right there, it is kinda dumb to feel bad for myself wasting my life when I don't even think to use the time I have

so I am going to make lists; primary goals, secondary goals, important stuff and fun stuff

and when I feel this empty I have all day but nothing to do feeling I will look at my list and work towards something or at least do something fun

3:38pm: hopelessness is a limit in ones own creativity

I see only one small path
so unlikely that it is near impossible

so of course my mother gets angry at me for not thinking positive cause she read 'the secret' and now thinks that bad things only happen if you don't think enough good thoughts
and I get angry at her because she has set herself up as thought police (and gender police)

and being angry at my mother has entirely derailed my thought

I need to escape, again

2:41am: so I am back here again

12:28am: I need a hug

a better idea of what I am/am suppose to be doing

and to make myself feel pretty

I understand,
there are more important things in the world
I can't deal with them

3:15pm: painfull dreams
so ... I have had a bad dream since the last time I posted

it started out sort of a sex dream
until well

I wish I could stop having dreams where I am intersexed

a little of both not realy either
and feelings of dysphoria

I don't know if I need to cry or scream

1:54pm: well that has to be one of the worse nights sleeps I have had
and the snow prevented my plans for today

4:11am: ( You are about to view content that may not be appropriate for minors. )

6:59pm: I had a four and a half hour walk this morning
not having transportation is unpleasant
I wonder how long it would have taken on a bike
it is very different walking, biking or driving
you can't just stop and explore when your driving (or rather I can't)
but walking takes so long
I did miss the exercise, I wonder how cheep I could get a bike for

1:56pm: how do I explaine?
I was with my rpg friends yesterday and the topic crossed into nondiscrimination laws
they say an employer can just make up excuses to fire you and that it is wrong to make employers have to fill quotas of minorities; neither of these statements are wrong exactly
but

how do I explain that I would rather not have to keep my sexuality and indeed my femininity or personal history (if I choose to present as female) a secret once I have been hired

how do I explain to them the value of that law

but they just replied "so what" to the red crosses blood discrimination
and couldn't seem to grasp the concept that gay marriage wasn't allowed before it was made illegal or why it annoys me

3:48pm: _____
( because I can't not say it right now )

4:35pm: suicide by glass
if you will excuse me my mind is running at odd angles today

"I was expecting it to hurt, I think I would have felt better if it had just hurt more"

four hours on hold and a few polite words
once you choke down the panic and the fear it wasn't even difficult

it would have been validating had it been difficult had any hope of happiness been excluded by the cure for my failings

like glass meating one's wrist with it's sloppy wet kiss
so much nothing

the disappointment was enough to get me to bandage the crying wrist
(this happen over a years ago, I don't think I could imagine wanting to die anymore)
sometimes failure is learning that one is more capable then one had thought

so I have a week where I can not move for friends and shared adventure where I have accomplished the big scary tasks
and I might even have enough left over to fix my car an impossibility the day before

some hope, some happiness, some potential love interests that will like always turn out to not be interested in me that way but it's fun to dream and I get interesting friends that way and quite a bit more luck then I really feel I deserve.

who would have ever thought I might be starting to bloom

11:19pm: there is that point where they notice the shadow and they turn around to look and whatever it is kills them

I can feel it, it will not be literally not with me
but fatal? there are so many bad fates

basically my brain is screaming "something bad is going to happen, and we can do nothing about it"

bad things happen, nothing new, no real problem if they do regardless of the severity IF you can do something about it


If things go well this should be an extremely painful weak for me
I can not do what I need to, it's a cozy controlled sort of hopelessness
the caricature says "no no I can't do it I just can't" sobbing and you understand that after all that you probably couldn't either, only the hero of the story the big damn hero not a mere protagonist, can be expected to grit there teeth and do it
I've always been a side character, I can't exist for myself if there is just me I stop existing, like a book if nobody reads it is just paper
and I need to do some things that will be painful

jabbing oneself with sharp objects tearing off the skin with ones bear hands slicing crushing

no I said painful

begging for the position of conforming drone #45 // with that darn inferiority complex
selling off my future in shares and working to make them profitable
abandoning any social life // not like it is the first time I've had none but it is lonely

until either on the off chance I become "successful enough" that I can afford to exist
or I give up completely

torn apart by two worlds and I don't want to belong to either
but I need stuff from them
...
I need more from me
I just sit like I have been deactivated until I absolutely have to do things
one of the worst ways to kill oneself isn't it

I need ... I Need ... I NEED
i don't even know what

I am so disconected with myself I don't remember how to comunicate with it anymore
I just feel panic starting to burn through me and the numbness taking up it's familiar spot so that I won't even care

I don't want this
I don't like this
I am not going to be this anymore
*cries*
never ever ever
what pain could be worse
what failure could be worse

my head is to full of thoughts for me to think with it
time has been passing by so quickly I wonder if I blink will I lose years